Even though I have 10 days left before February is over, and 15 days before I post my next blog, I wanted to write this simple reflection. I watched “Forks Over Knives” today and I can not continue to ignore the signs.
My passion has been in health and wellness being active and learning more about myself as a human being. It doesn’t seem like we would have to “learn” what to eat as humans, after all we are told what is good for us and what is not good for us, right?! But who is “they” and what do “they” know about me and “why” are they telling me what is good for ME! Attending Meditation in late 2010 I questioned becoming a vegetarian. I already ate more Organic foods and cut out red meat, but I was not ready to give up meat. The signs kept coming up for me. Last week I finally read about who Kris Carr was even though I had heard of “Crazy, Sexy, Diet” for a long time. I ordered her book and am now eagerly waiting for it to arrive. Today was the day I decided to go for the Whole Food plant-based diet. In order to be ok with it (as a meat lover) I decided to change my diet for Lent. I am playing mind games with myself in order to make the switch temporarily instead of permanent, this way I know my time frame and I will not cheat. Very Sandy-like to experiment with myself. And so I will write weekly about this journey of mine for those who are wondering what happens. I will let you know how I feel emotionally. I will let you know how I feel physically. I will tell you about the easy parts and the struggles while doing this. I have no clue what is going to happen but I can almost guarantee the ups and downs. Don’t forget that I am training to run 10 miles in May so it will be interesting to see how this diet contributes to my training. I never ran 10 miles. I like short distances. Also, I have no interest in losing weight. So let’s see what happens!
The first half of December I was in the United States doing what I normally do. The second half I was in Europe taking a much needed vacation and concentrating on relaxing. I was at opposite ends of the Atlantic Ocean so I got to thinking. USA/Europe, Open/Close, Day/Night, and Right/Left.
While celebrating an early Christmas in the USA I was with a very special person in my life who has had her own life thrown into “opposites.” Actually, right before the party I sat with her as she cried in my arms. In my heart I prayed to ease her pain, yet as her friend I didn’t know how to do so. I had gone through many things in my life but not what she was going through. I had nothing specific to relate to. I prayed silently for her to open her eyes and broaden her perspective of the world around her, so as to take this big thing in her life and watch it become smaller and smaller. By the end of the night when there was one person left at the Christmas party something happened. This person whom we hadn’t seen in years began to speak of the many years we had missed and the suffering she lived through. Her story was not only the relatable story I had prayed for but it was much more twisted and tangled. As my good friend and I listened to the story my eyes filled with tears because I knew a chapter was being closed, eyes and heart were opened. Day and night happen on a daily basis all around the world. One night in late December in Europe (which happened to be one day in the USA) I made a phone call to my family wishing them a Merry Christmas. I had traveled across the Atlantic to see Christian, my boyfriend who I hadn’t seen for 9 months. I would love to see this relationship be closer of course yet it lives in darkness. I don’t mean it’s bad, just hard. It’s like when you are in a lit room and you turn the light off. At first you can not see anything so you have to be extra careful not to trip over something, bump into anything, and of course go quickly into bed and under the covers before the monster gets you. (Haha) After some time and adjustments the room is not so dark and you can see far more than you could at first. There are still a few things you can not see completely but for the most part it’s not so scary anymore. And that’s what I do in this long distance relationship. I must close my eyes, adjust, open them with the “inner light” allowing me to see what I couldn’t see. Because only then can I see enough to know this love is real and can survive. Here I share a great struggle. It is hard to be far from someone you love. Do you know what that’s like? Maybe you are far from home. Maybe you haven’t found the love of your life so they seem far away. Maybe you lost someone you love and it hurts to not be able to reach them. There is dark and there is light. Two beautiful opposites. I would begin my day in Europe thinking of all my family and friends back home who were sleeping, allowing themselves the rest darkness brings to be able to rise in the light. Then I thought of all the things right in my life and what may be wrong. I realized there was no wrong. The opposite I was looking for was left. There is right and left. Now I know when something is not right in my life all it is, well, it’s left. Here’s what I have left. I crossed a bridge in Marburg many times. One side was the place I was staying, the train station, the Spiegelslustturm Tower while on the other side of the Lahn River was the Old Town, Elisabethkirche (Gothic Church), and the Castle. One side was not better than the other. They had different things. I had to cross the bridge. Two ends. I got to know myself a little more, living happily and peacefully on either end. Tough conditions can occur everywhere around you but it can never get inside your Self. Don’t let it. If you are hurting then realize it so you can let it go and close the door behind it. No matter how far I am from someone they are never far in my heart, but super close. Acceptance of darkness and light brings peace. Which side of the bridge is left and which is right? Perspective. Keep crossing your bridges! If you find yourself at the edge of a river look for the nearest bridge, build one, or just wait. Yes, sometimes we have to keep walking to find the next one. Yes, sometimes we have to do a little extra work and be creative to build one. And some, such as the bridge to our loved ones who have left Earth we wait until it’s our turn to cross that bridge. The beauty of not knowing every shred of information contained in our future is creation. We get to create whatever we want through trusting in ourselves allowing life to be lived fully.
In the first few days of November I had clarity around the relationship I had given up in October. I took a step back and realized a few things about how unforgiving I was being with someone I loved knowing full well he did not intend to hurt me. (Didn’t I tell you I was a tough cookie!) In this particular case I didn’t trust my inner self but instead I chose to ride the negativity roller coaster. I was hurt. I shut him out and was unforgiving, until I realized it. I reconnected to the peaceful, loving Being I am. I had a great conversation and chose to move forward in the relationship. The challenging part is the long distance and so I agreed to visit him for two weeks during the holidays. The picture you see above is a shawl I attempted to knit. It looks gorgeous but the thing is super tiny. The day I took a picture of it I showed my boyfriend via Skype. I had to do what I didn’t want to do. I had to pull the string and pull and pull and pull ...until it was back to a ball of yarn. He saw me do it. Hours of work. I had a feeling it wasn’t quite right (I followed the instructions perfectly) but I didn’t trust myself. I learned to trust myself. By the end of the week the ball of yarn was used to create a beautiful shawl, this time I crocheted it! My first time ever crocheting! I took something I created, accepted its fate, and made a choice to move forward by taking action immediately. I didn’t get caught up and let the tiny knit shawl sit around teasing me. I did something new with it. I turned it around. I did take a picture knowing I had to use it as my picture for this entry. I chose to close off the month by doing a Giveaway. I made my own video and put my heart into the prize. I wanted to start out with something small and chose a $50 iPod shuffle. It’s all I could do now. Who knows, I may give away iPads someday when I can. The point is I knew it would mean a lot to someone. On the very last day of November I was with two kids at the community center. They wanted a drink and I said yes without first checking if I had enough change. I was .50 cents short telling them I did not have enough. They looked sad and stared into the vending machine. The woman next to me quietly puts two quarters in my hands making the value of .50 cents so much more. It was what I needed to buy one drink and two priceless smiles. Can you see how not knowing is a wonderful artistic tool for living a happy life? I didn’t know in December I would take a two week holiday. I didn’t know I would crochet for the first time and be proud of recreating something with the same yarn. I didn’t know .50 cents from a stranger would be the greatest way I could end November. Trust in yourself and others. Be someone who brings joy. Not knowing can often bring fear or anxiety. Again, trust it! Be aware of the beauty behind all actions. Accept and welcome all that comes your way. Do you have an experience to share where you trusted in not knowing only to find out life turned out exactly the way you wanted it to? Have you experienced fear around not knowing only to find out later it all worked out? Do you live life trusting in all that is? Please share so others can learn from you. We all have our unique stories, our kind strangers, our expected and unexpected. October 1 and October 31, dates that in 2011 felt a world apart. So much has happened within such a short time that I feel I have aged a year or two. What kind of struggles have I lived in October?
Well let me state all that has happened and reflect afterwards. It started out great with my boyfriend asking me to move in with him Spring 2012. Great news! Also he asked me to spend the holidays with him so I bought a plane ticket. I had to withdraw from a program I signed up for in Spring 2012 and was having a hard time getting a refund. Funny that I did not have a hard time signing up. I hurt my toe 5 days before I had to run a 5k I have not trained for but I still ran it. A close friend betrayed my trust and revealed to me true colors through unheard of actions and words of hatred. Being at the right place at the right time brought a new opportunity my way by a great woman who has become an amazing friend going above and beyond what few have ever done for me. I had a night out with a friend of mine that turned into a nightmare hangover the next day. I do not even like alcohol! Confiding in my boyfriend proved to be a mistake therefore I broke up with him not knowing if he is trustworthy. After all a relationship is built on trust. Health concerns have come up for people close to me. My cousin from out of town stayed with us for a week and turned out to be an angel. With my mom, my aunt, and my cousin I attended for the first time BAPS Shri Swaminarayan Mandir during the New Year. I was unable to spend too much time at the temple as it was very crowded but I was there long enough to be touched by God. Time to reflect. There were both ups and downs in the course of this month. I have overcome most of the challenges pushing through as best as I can. Today as I write I am reminded at how far I have come but also how much more work I have to do for myself. I am human after all and so a few things from October are lingering today. I am conscious of these things which means I have better self control of what I say and do. Doing nothing is sometimes the best thing, true. But again friends, I am human and it doesn’t mean my heart is not crying at this very moment. I know this too shall pass, just as I knew it the day of my hangover or running with an injured toe. Struggles are phases in life. They do not last forever. Struggles occur from time to time to help strengthen us. For example, running every day is great and healthy but sometimes its nice to sign up for a race that will push you to be faster or push you to run longer than you have! After the race is over your body is tired, sore even. But the more you do it your body feels less tired and less sore. This great muscle, my heart is running a race challenging the endurance. How long is left? Where is the finish line? When will this be over? I do not know this particular race path but I do know it comes to an end. I know I will finish strong so that next time it won’t hurt as bad. I wonder what November will bring. I don’t know just as I did not know for October. But I will be down on my knees day and night praying to God, thanking God for all that I have. If you are tired and can not run any longer take a moment to catch your breath. Walk one foot at a time, that will be enough to take you even just a bit closer. Please do not stop or quit. Your life is worth it! You are worth it! With all the love and peace in my heart I wish you the strength to keep going knowing that there is a finish line, maybe even just around the corner. The beauty of living life is that we get to live every moment and choose happiness no matter what. I am going to share three moments in my life in September and what those moments meant to me.
Patience, anger, and perspective. Patience: It was a Tuesday in September that I was talking to my mom about how great I am with kids. I truly am wonderfully my best self around them one of which is being very patient. (For all the parents reading you must realize at this very moment that I myself am not a parent, yet.) Kids can say and do things to make me mad but again I have great self control. I said to my mom, “I would like to practice this self control with adults. I’m not very patient and I can lose my temper with adults so quickly. Hm. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I am going to work on being patient and controlling my anger!” Then came Wednesday and the drive into downtown Chicago with the many terrible drivers who were out driving at the same time and the same places where I was! The Universe had granted me my wish of working on being patient. Ladies and Gentlemen I failed miserably! I became crabby. The good news is that I realized this about myself and acknowledged it. I chose to forgive my failure, change my attitude, and try again. The following day, Thursday I woke up in a very happy mood until I found out that my Dad never informed me of a parking ticket I received in the mail a few months ago and so the fine had doubled to $200! I got angry. I blamed him! I called my mom to tell her what had happened. As soon as I got off the phone with her I realized today was the day to work on anger. I got EXACTLY what I asked for once again. I knew I had a choice and yet it was the anger I wanted to hold on to but then I thought about it again and decided it really wasn’t. I called my mom back and I said, “Ok, so, I am going to be mad for 20 minutes and then I am going to let it go. I will not fail today like I did yesterday!” I got off the phone, scribbled a letter to my dad that I would later throw away before he saw it. I played music and watched the clock approach my deadline and sure enough this time I passed the test! Lastly, I want to share my September experience about perspective. It was a Saturday night book signing event I had where two women showed up. I felt sad. I wondered. I then remembered that everyone must’ve had moments like these when they were starting out. I allowed my thoughts of self pity and shame to shake right off so I can be 100% me with the two women who came to see me. And guess what, it was the most amazing night I had because we connected with one another in a deep and powerful way. I knew right away that a deep connection like this could not be formed had there been a room full of people with whom I greeted, signed a book, and said good bye to. I would have never been able to “see” this side of the night had I not chosen to shake off the negativity. Being myself allowed me to experience everything and everyone around me, then look back and “see” how beautiful life is no matter what. Do you challenge yourself to be better? How? Can you see the “tests” in your own life? If so, do you pass or fail them? Perspective is a powerful tool. How do you see yourself in your life during those moments of insecurity or fear? Can you “see” past the negative feelings and thoughts to the real YOU? |
Got the world figured out?I did, until it came crashing down. I had no choice but to start over and rebuild. Featured:
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